Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father. There is no shadow of turning with Thee. Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not. As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
This is the song I had been singing as a lullaby to my 18 month old for weeks. The Lord was preparing my heart and I didn’t even know he was doing it.
On January 12, 2015, only a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant with Baby #2, I had a miscarriage. My husband and I had been so excited. And even though he was too young to understand, we told Carter he was going to be a big brother. I wondered why God would let this happen, and yet at the same time, in my desperation, I asked God to help me not grow bitter towards Him. I remember singing to Carter Great is Thy Faithfulness that night through tears. I knew His word said He was faithful, but I was so hurt. And I didn’t know how I could rest in His faithfulness when I felt so hopeless.
I have not been a consistent journaler throughout my life, but I have had seasons of habitual journaling. This happened to be a time in my life where I was journaling every day. I am so glad that I have that to look back on. I can see my struggles and I can see where God rescued me from my sorrow. This is my journal entry 6 days after we lost our baby:
"I am so happy we went to church this morning. I was reminded of something very true: God is worthy to be praised no matter my situation. I will praise His name when he has delivered me from despair, but also when I am in the midst of it. I went into church expecting something to be said or sung to help me in the midst of my sadness. But, I learned to praise God for being God. And, in return, that paradigm shift helped to start heal my broken heart. I think God and I will go to deeper places together this year."
And we did. On April 12, exactly 3-months after my miscarriage, we surprisingly found out that I was pregnant again! Fear came in like a rushing wave, but God was steady. I was so afraid that I would lose that baby too, but I constantly heard the gentle whisper of the Lord…”Peace, be still.”
We had a baby boy due on December 20. But in the Lord’s perfect timing, Mason David Smith was born 8 days early, on December 12. I had my miscarriage on January 12, I found out I was pregnant again on April 12, and I delivered a healthy baby boy on December 12. I love symbolism and the meaning behind numbers. When I looked up the Hebrew meaning behind the number 12, I learned that it meant “completion.” Sometimes we joke and say that must mean we are not supposed to have any more children…but I think the Lord was teaching me something else.
The Lord always redeems and restores His people. He gave me the number 12 to show me that He brought “completion” or “restoration” into my life and He did it through a new life. He ultimately restores all of us through new life...the new life that is found in His Son. That is the greatest redemption story of all time. When it comes to our personal situations, restoration may come in different ways. But, He does restore, because that is WHO HE IS. In the Old Testament we read about the Temple being destroyed and the Israelites going into captivity. It was 70 years before they were released and able to build the temple once again. There were probably few left who even remembered the destruction. God brought restoration and he did it on His perfect timeline. When the Fall came in the Garden of Eden, it was centuries before the Messiah came to redeem not only his people, the Israelites, but the whole world.
God sees the bigger picture of our lives. We can’t see past our present circumstance. God showed me that He is a God who restores. He brings fulfillment. He brings completion. Romans 8:28 says, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. If you are a daughter of God, then you HAVE been called according to His purpose, and He WILL RESTORE whatever hard circumstance you are in.
I felt the Lord give me the name “Selah” for the baby we lost. Selah means to “stop and reflect.” There are days that I still cry over the pain caused by losing a baby. If you have had a miscarriage, you know the pain. But, when my heart and mind are thinking about the baby, I always feel the Lord, every steady, ever sure. And I stop and reflect on the beauty of His restoration.
For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for.
2 Corinthians 13:9
Molly Smith is the Worship Arts Academy Director at Fellowship Bible Church in Jackson, TN. She has two fun-loving and active boys ages 2 (Mason) and 4 (Carter). She and her husband Chance, the master coder, will be married for 7 years this May. She is passionate about teaching kids about the Lord through music and developing in them a heart of worship.